This is a webpage dedicated to specifically outlining why the anime series .hack//SIGN sucks.

Contents

Overview

.hack//SIGN follows the story of a teenage boy named Tsukasa and his inability to log out of an MMORPG.

First, let me say that I love video games, love MMORPGs, and am really interested in virtual reality. I can't wait until the day when I can strap on some goofy-looking helmet, plug some wires into my neck, and fool my brain into thinking I'm inside of a video game. A virtual reality MMORPG would be one of the coolest things ever made. This anime manages to incorporate all of the above elements into it, and also has a really interesting-sounding premise. Sounds like a winner, right?

Sadly, .hack//SIGN is a perfect example of a good idea done wrong. Although the premise is very interesting (and, in my case, is especially relevant to my interests), the ideas are executed horribly. The MMORPG is portrayed stupidly, Tsukasa is the most annoying and whiny pansy I've ever seen in an anime, and his crisis, being unable to log out, is portrayed in probably the least effective way possible. I lost all interest in this series after just a few episodes - it manages to mash its premise into paste that fast. I stupidly bought the entire box set, so, not wanting my money to go to waste, I decided to sit through the entire series, which turned out to be a hell I would not wish on even the most foul human being to ever walk the planet. I've decided to perform a public service, and offer my experience as an example to others, to save others from .hack//SIGN and protect them from ever enduring such a horrid anime.

Pace

Let me address my first major issue with the steaming pile of crap known as .hack//SIGN. The pacing.

About 90% of the anime is people standing still, talking to one another. There is VERY little action. The few action scenes there are mostly feature people standing still talking to one another while a giant monster stands a few feet away, politely and patiently waiting until they stop talking briefly so it can attack them.

Now, don't get me wrong, my complaint isn't "too much talking and not enough fighting". I've literally watched dozens of anime. I've listened to hours', days' worth of dialogue in anime. I've listened to everything from pseudo-intellectual speeches to minutes' worth of technobabble about absolute quantum barrier fields. Believe me when I say that I know the difference between good dialogue, and bad dialogue. And, unfortunately, .hack//SIGN is full of the latter.

The dialogue is awful - AWFUL. Let me reproduce a few lines for you. Not even the world's top .hack//SIGN expert would be able to tell the difference between this reproduction and the real thing.

Character 1: So, have you found out anything new about Tsukasa?

Character 2: Nope.

That's it. That's what EVERY conversation sounds like. Throughout all 26 episodes. It's just a varying number of characters standing around talking about Tsukasa, or, to be more specific, telling one another that they don't know anything new about Tsukasa. When I watch these scenes, I can only think one thing: "THESE CHARACTERS ARE LIFELESS LOSERS." I mean, SURELY they have SOMETHING better to do than stand around, repeating to one another over and over that they haven't found out any new information about Tsukasa?

Now, if this series had actually had good writers, then maybe they could have turned every conversation into entertaining dialogue that is actually interesting to listen to. Instead, it's all boring, repetitive, pseudo-intellectual, and simply a pain to sit through. And it composes most of the anime.

The plot development is slower than paint drying on grass growing in molasses. All of the plot development comes through dialogue, which, 9/10 times, is "Learn anything new? / No." On that rare, 1/10 occasion, a character WILL have learned something new, but it will be a cryptic, vague hint. Then, the characters will devote months of their time to hunting for more information based on that tiny hint, which may or may not be a wild goose chase that leads the plot nowhere. Whenever something of any importance DOES happen, the characters spend their next few conversations obsessing over it in their usual repetitive fashion of telling one another that they haven't learned anything new about it.

Music

Yuki Kajiura composed the soundtrack for .hack//SIGN. That information right there was nearly enough to make me a fan of the whole show without even seeing it. She's a brilliant composer, and, indeed, the music that she composed for .hack//SIGN is just as amazing as her work usually is.

...However.

.hack//SIGN did a VERY poor job of distributing Yuki's tracks to appropriate scenes. True, sometimes the music suits the mood, but, more often than not, it is unfitting for the current scene, and clashes badly with whatever is onscreen. The background music often doesn't stay where it's supposed to - in the background - and juts out awkwardly during scenes that didn't need such obtrusive music. Additionally, .hack//SIGN tried something unique with background music - music is played during almost every minute of the entire series; silent scenes are very rare. Most of the tracks involve lyrics being sung - another rarity for most anime. Not that songs with lyrics are bad, but it's just not fitting to have a choir saying words in the background while characters say words in the foreground. Most of the tracks are recycled, too, and even the best ones loose their dramatic effect the dozenth time they're used for the same type of scene.

Characters

The first aspect of the characters that I need to mention is the character designs. All are very nice (with the exception of one or two), and this may be partially credited to the fact that Yoshiyuki Sadamoto did the character designs. "Yoshiyuki Sadamoto" is another Japanese name that makes me soil my pants with happiness and anticipation when I see it in conjunction with an anime I am interested in seeing. Seeing an anime drawn in Yoshiyuki's art style pleases me deeply. However, as in the case of Yuki Kajiura's music, Yoshiyuki's drawings are offset by the ABSOLUTELY LAME characters that they represent. I feel as if Yoshiyuki's art has been vandalized by being associated with such crap characters. But let's get into the characters so you know what I'm talking about.

Tsukasa

The main character of .hack//SIGN. His character class is "Wavemaster", but that doesn't really matter, as only about 10% of the time do we actually see the characters engaging in MMORPG activities. He's supposed to be a guy, but he has an ambiguous voice and body features to create the possibility of him being a girl. He is the MOST ANNOYING anime character I have EVER seen. You thought Shinji was a wimp? Get a load of this guy/girl/androgynous thing. He does more moping, self-analyzing, and emo poses than an Evangelion character on the worst day of their life.

At the start of the series, he wakes up to find that he has no idea why he is where he is, or, for that matter, who he is to begin with. Many anime have used this premise. Many anime have pulled off this premise right. However, .hack//SIGN has pulled it off wrong. In most anime, the main character finds out where and who he is within one or two episodes. Not ole' Tsukasa. We'll have to wait until a good 2/3 of the series is done before we find out just his freaking gender. We receive many vague, cryptic clues as to why he lost his memory. When we finally come to the scene where the godlike character in control of everything explains what's been going on, we get a vague, cryptic speech. Not satisfying.

The crisis of the beginning of the series is that Tsukasa is being pursued by the Crimson Knights for being with an illegally modified cat character, who he remembers seeing, but does not know when, where, or why. His connection to this character is also not explained until a few episodes before the end. Until then, we just have to watch him utilize his best talent - moping around - next to a bed while the cat floats in circles around him.

At the start of the series, all he wants is to be alone, like any good moping emo anime character, but this simply leads him deeper into trouble. He is given a "Guardian," a giant golden-orange dumbbell-shaped monster that defends him. For a voice, it makes sounds like a whale in heat. Seriously, they must have just plunked a microphone into the ocean during whale mating season to get this thing's sound effects.

On to why he is the most annoying anime character ever. He's not only mopey and whiney, he's also a rude little jerk. He's constantly just running away from people, insulting them when they try to help, and intentionally not helping out anyone because he's such a stupid idiotic jerk. Why anyone would want this to be the main character of their anime, I have no clue. Who could relate or sympathize with this annoying and whiney character, I also have no clue. The other characters literally become OBSESSED with stalking Tsukasa, unraveling his mystery, and befriending him, despite the fact that he tells them he hates them, wants to be alone, and can't give them any sort of help at all.

The crisis of the anime is discovering why Tsukasa can't log out. For the beginning of the series, the characters try to capture/befriend Tsukasa so that they can learn more about why he can't log out. But he has no idea why he can't log out, and can't offer any new information about it. So, after the elusive Tsukasa is finally befriended, the characters just awkwardly stand around, then decide to "Hang out with Tsukasa as much as possible" (direct quote from the anime). So then, the middle of the series is just the main characters chillin', relaxin', chillaxin' with Tsukasa for a while, going on quests and leveling up and stuff.

Awkwaaaaard.

Subaru

The token loli character. Looks about 12, but she's wearing a top that would make a nude model blush. She's also the leader of the Crimson Knights, and carries around an axe about half as big as she is that she only uses about once in the whole series. Spends her days moping, or, if she's feeling especially adventurous, moping on a gondola. Her talents include vague, cryptic dialogue and repressed lustful desires for Tsukasa.

Mimiru

"Hi! My name's Mimiru."

Bee Train seems to have a thing for ungodly amounts of flashbacks. You'll hear Mimiru say that many more times than you'd have liked by the end of the show - oh, I forgot, you'll be doing the smart thing and avoiding this show to begin with.

Mimiru is a tough-it-out-through-anything, devil-may-care fighter who charges headfirst into battle. Pretty one-dimensional. She changes a bit throughout the series, but I wouldn't say that it's anything dramatic enough to call "character development". Her obsession with befriending Tsukasa borders on creepy. No, scratch that, she's already got both feet beyond the border of Creepystan and into the land of Stalkerstan. And let me remind you that she wants to be the friend of a guy who openly states that he hates her, insults her, tells her that he wants to be alone, and runs away from her all the time. Geez, she's got one hand in Retardstan and the other hand in Halfabrainstan. She's practically playing Twister with the whole damn Middle East.

Bear

Few negative things to say about Bear. He's my favorite character. He's cool and collected, usually the first to figure out a mystery, and is very eloquent, making him one of the only characters in the anime who isn't boring as hell to listen to. From the mechanics of apoptosis to Waiting for Godot, this guy is just full of interesting material, and words it all in a way that is enjoying to hear. He comes with all the charm and charisma of the 'wise old man' archetype without being cryptic and vague.

However, three words of advice to Bear: Get a better name, get in a better anime, and stop going overboard with the body paint.

B.T.

B.T. is a plotting, scheming character who forms false friendships just to achieve short-term goals. She doesn't care about Tsukasa out of sympathy, only because she wants to use him. Thus, she earns points for not being as stupid as most of the cast, and having a unique name, but loses points for being such a despicable character. Somewhat unremarkable except for being ESPECIALLY cryptic and vague. However, she is best when fused DBZ-style with...

Sora

Sora is an Assassin class (they can call him Twin Blade all they want, but he's clearly a rip-off of the Assassin class from Ragnarok Online) and an infamous player killer. He likes to backstab people both literally and figuratively, but is cliché about it either way. He's the typical teenage lvl 99 1337-sp34k1n' MMORPG player who says 'its just a game lol' after he steals your kill or loot. He's pretty much the most MMORPG-like aspect of the entire anime. He's the embodiment of cliché, with his one-hit-kills and constant corny remarks, but at least he's goofy and full of pep, making him a breath of fresh air compared to the other one-dimensional stupid-as-a-rock characters. He's cool (either relaxed or trying his hardest to act cool) and very funny (do you know anyone else who says "Boing!" when they jump?). But he's at his best when paired in a scene with B.T.

The dialouge between Sora and B.T. is actually some of the best in the show. Sora's devil-may-care, indifferent attitude and teasing is a stark contrast to B.T.'s "takign it 2 srsly". It's just fun to watch them go back and forth, and their conversations are the only places in the anime where you'll find anything resembling wit or entertainment. Later in the series, their conversations become stupid, but, around this point, B.T. starts having deeper conversations with Bear, so it balances out.

Silver Knight

Coming to this character makes me regret using the description "embodiment of cliché" on another character. The token "overzealous about delivering justice" character. As an amazing two-in-one bargain, you also get the token "extremely naïve, easily-used tool" character in him. He's EXTREMELY overprotective of Subaru. Or maybe he's just normally overprotective of her, but the series sure does dedicate an awful lot of time to showing how damn much he wants to protect her. He usually ambles about saying "Lady Subaru!" and futilely trying to convince her to do something / to not do something, just wasting airtime. If he wasn't included in the series, I doubt there would be significant plot difference.

Crim

Crim's okay, but self-confident beyond all acceptable levels. He almost enters the realm of arrogance, not a good thing considering the fact that he's supposed to be the mentoring and advice-giving character.

He's supposedly extremely strong, but we rarely get to see him swing his weapon other than when he's making dramatic poses. He mostly stalls Sora so the others can go on ahead or gives people incredibly cliché yet life-changing advice. Wow, it seems we've gone from 'vague and cryptic' characters to 'cliché wise mentor' characters.

Despite being full of himself, he's kind, easygoing, and sociable, the kind of guy you'd want to be friends with in an MMORPG.

MMORPG

I enjoy the backstory of the MMORPG far more than the anime itself. It's an intriguing alternate version of the Internet's history, and since I enjoy both alternate versions of history AND the Internet, it was a double treat for me.

As we all know, the Internet is serious business, but in .hack//SIGN's version of history, the Internet is Serious Business. As the Internet became popular, secret government information became harder to conceal and easier to obtain, and it was such a serious problem that the United Nations created the "World Network Council" for all the nations that use the Internet to participate in stopping cyber crime. Seeing this as a challenge, hackers start making viruses and committing cyber crimes just to spite the WNC. Hackers start electronically robbing banks, making computer viruses that can kill people, etc. Eventually, one guy makes a virus that causes every server in the world to crash, effectively killing the Internet for several months. Then, a company named ALTIMIT makes an uber operating system completely immune to viruses, and the Internet is reborn. However, there was a severe lack of online games, so the programmers of ALTIMIT go on to form CC Corporation, which produces the most advanced virtual reality MMORPG ever, The World.

Widespread cyber crime. A virus that kills the Internet. A virtual reality MMORPG. The One Operating System...TO RULE THEM ALL. Could this backstory get any more epic?!

Alas, where the backstory ends, the anime begins, and thus, the suckage begins.

Bandai's official timeline says that "as of 2008, The World has over 20 million players". However, in the anime, The World looks like it's almost completely abandoned. Most of the areas we see are empty deserts or wastelands, and even in the cities/population centers, we see only a few people on the sidelines. Usually we see absolutely nobody around but the main characters, as if they're walking around in a world that's almost completely empty. Occasionally, we'll see one or two people in the foreground or background, but that's all we get.

I know that suspension of disbelief is a large part of viewing anime, but you can only stretch a viewer's tolerance so far. If there are 20 freaking million players, WHERE IS EVERYONE? Either the anime takes place on the most underpopulated server in the game, or, for viewing purposes, the millions of other people that would doubtlessly be getting in the way of the camera shot are removed.

Secondly, if you're going to have 20 million players, you'll need a really freaking huge number of maps. Despite that, we constantly see the same backgrounds over. And over. And over. The background designers were obviously very pleased with their drawings of parachutes attached to mountains, because we spend about 50% of the anime with the characters just sitting in that level. The OTHER 50% is watching Subaru drift along in her stupid gondola.

Opening Song

While writing a webpage on why .hack//SIGN sucks, it'd be a crime not to mention the Opening Song.

HAO CAHM AIE MAST NOOOOOH

Not only are the lyrics sung in the WORST ENGLISH EVER, but they make NO SENSE AT ALL. Listen for yourself. (You must right-click and select "Save As" to hear it...at your own risk, that is. Disclaimer: I will not be responsible for any damage to your ears done by horrible singing.)

How come I must know

where obsession needs to go?

How come I must know

the direction of relieving?

Yuki Kajiura has proven herself to be quite adept at stringing together vowel sounds in a way that is pleasing to the ear. However, although she can form a more or less grammatically correct sentence in English, the sentences don't make any sense.

How come

"Why" is usually a better way to ask for a reason than "How come".

How come I must know where obsession needs to go?

...Where obsession needs to go? Obsession needs to go someplace? First time I ever heard of this. Maybe it's supposed to mean something like this:

"You're playing The World too much. You're obsessed with it."

"So?"

"It would be better to be obsessed with studying or doing homework."

"What gives you the right to tell other people what they should be obsessed with?"

Perhaps the lyric is supposed to mean something along those lines. In any case, "Why should I know what I should be obsessed with?" is a pretty weird question, even for song lyrics. Yuki, being the genius she is, was doing nothing but insulting her fans by writing such awful lyrics.

If the opening two lines were the only ambiguous and nonsensical lyrics in the song, then I would be far more forgiving, but the stupid song goes on to talk about "missing my headache" and "kissing my loveache". ...What the hell?

Good Points

  • The music. Too bad it's played during unfitting scenes, obtrusive most of the time, and playing constantly.

  • The character designs. Too bad they're attached to some of the most annoying and lame characters ever.

  • The MMORPG setting. Too bad the MMORPG is so inaccurate to real MMORPGs that it detracts from the show.

  • Amanda Winn-Lee does the voice of Mimiru. This is a perk only for Amanda fans, though. Why is Amanda cool? She rocks the house at voice acting. She doesn't bother hiding her lisp anymore, though, so her voice acting hasn't been that great these days. Plus, she stopped being hot when she got pregnant. And I think she's a stoner, which bothers me. Geez, why do I like Amanda again? Doesn't matter, I'm still happy every time Mimiru speaks.

  • The "Preview" screens. Nothing bad to say about this. The Previews were AWESOME. Probably the best and most creative use of the 'preview of the next episode' that I've ever seen.

You see 9 little screens playing at once. In each screen is a different scene from the next episode. After just a few scant seconds, a sound begins to play, slowly getting louder. It gets louder, and louder, and louder, and then, suddenly, it stops altogether, the screen goes black, and you see only one word appear: The title of the next episode.

Most epic preview screen EVER.

I seriously get chills and goosebumps when I watch the preview for the next episode, no matter how many times I view it. My eyes frantically darting from screen to screen - Which one do I want to view? This one looks good. OOH, but that one looks good! - knowing that I only have a few seconds until - yes, there it is, the sound - oh, it's getting louder - LOUDER - it's over.

Sad that my favorite part of an anime is the "Preview of the next episode" screen. Is this testimony to how god-awful .hack//SIGN is? No, just testimony to how rocking awesome the Previews are.

How to get the most out of .hack//SIGN

Download the soundtrack. Avoid the track named "Obsession", otherwise known as HAO CAHM AIE MAST NOOOOOH? Read the timeline. Glance over the character designs.

You're done.

Don't touch the anime. Don't even touch the box set.

Exception: Touch it at a high velocity with a blunt object of your choice.

Alternative To .hack//SIGN

This anime - and I call it an anime in the same way I would call "Barney's Trip To The Zoo" a "staple of 20th century film" - was about as entertaining as clipping your toenails with garden shears. If this was my first anime, I would not watch another anime ever again even if someone threatened to shoot me in the stomach and steal my shoes. I have this image in my head of six Japanese guys sitting around a table brainstorming trying to think up a new anime and one of them chimes in with, "Well, we haven't done an anime that we try to make as awful as possible". They all sit quietly; a few nod their heads thinking it's a good idea, and, finally, the CEO or chairman or whatever gives his thumbs up. This anime has zero appeal for anyone outside the anime masochist micro-community. The dialogue is horrible and repetitive, the plot development is neither entertaining nor rewarding nor faster than a dead snail, and the premise you hear before you pop the disc in is basically only there to mislead you. Oh, I tell a lie, there is another use for this anime: torture device. It seems to be ingeniously calculated and carefully created to induce boredom.

Oh, I almost forgot, this section is named "Alternative To .hack//SIGN".

Peel off all of your skin and take a shower in lemon juice.

(By "alternative", I meant "something of equal value".)